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In the beginning January 17, 2010

Posted by dolfynstar in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far

I have been wanting to start a blog for some time.  I never seemed to be able to get the hand written diary (as a child) or journal (as an adult) down, though I love to write.  But, I feel like I am at so many crossroads in my life, that I hope through writing, I can connect with my thoughts, feelings, wants, and desires and perhaps can sort some things out and move forward a little bit at a time.

I married later in life and therefore attempted to start a family when some friends were sending their first-borns off to college.  I married D, someone not my “type” but so right for me.  I have a toddler, T, who I struggled dearly to have but without whom my life would be a dull shade of grey, and I have a rich tapestry of friends who are my family. 

Having suffered with infertility (let’s face it, trying to have a baby on the eve of one’s 40’s, is a daunting task even with the help of advanced ART) and a problematic pregnancy, I’ve tried in vain to have a sibling.  More IVFs, a disappointing donor egg cycle (included a cancelled donor FET because why should we expect embryos made from 25 year old eggs to actually SURVIVE the thaw?!), and an absolute inability to move forward with adoption have left me emotionally spent (and carrying around 50 extra pounds to prove it).  It is NOT what I planned, to have one child (and 6 other pregnancies that failed to develop), and things just don’t feel complete.  I want them to, I am waiting for them to, I am trying to be in the moment and content with the blessings I do have, but I am unsettled.

I hope I can put some of the remaining pieces of this particular life puzzle  together so that I can enjoy the image it reveals.

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